If you have teenagers of your own, it’s worth the effort to get to know their friends, and to give your kids chances to spend time with the parents of their friends. Getting to know other kids’ parents offers adolescents several important benefits, not least being a basis of comparison with their own parents. When she becomes a parent someday, Sonia hopes to be as approachable as the mother of her close friend.

My friend, she can sit down and talk to her mom about sex—I can’t talk to my mom about sex. I want to talk to my kids and let them know things, whatever they want to know. – Sonia

You can help teenagers appreciate differences, offering valuable perspective as to where their own folks lie on the spectrum of mortifying behavior.

My best friend has these really weird parents that are hippies, and they’re lawyers. They have their own farm in their back yard and they plant and then harvest, and it’s really cool. He’s like, “They’re so weird!” But I like the weirdness, it’s completely different for me, and I always have conversations with them. – Randy

Try to stay sensitive to how your own teenagers might react if you hang around too much when their friends are around. It’s more likely that you’ll find a natural opening for conversation at random moments when they’re not doing something together.

I have a friend at school, and her mother is like off the hook. She’s funny and she’ll say and do anything. Her daughter is embarrassed of her and they don’t really get along. But all the other kids like her, and we like hanging around with her. – Cotnell

Talking to other teenagers can sometimes give you a clearer sense of what’s going on in the world of your own kids, who might not care to share even the harmless details with you. At the same time, you can talk more openly to them about things you think are important, helping clear the static that makes it hard
for teenagers to hear their own parents.

Other people’s parents, it’s like, they can share their experiences with me, without having the power over me or the difficulties that parent-child relationships often have. – Eryn

WE WANT TO KNOW YOU

If you don’t have teenagers in your own family, you might not know how to reach out and get to know young people. They might seem alien and hostile, part of a world you don’t understand or even want to know about. But by taking it one step at a time, you can find things that connect you despite your differences.

You could ask at a nearby high school whether they have a need for tutors or mentors. Or you might offer to help out at a youth sports league in the community, or at the church group.

Remember, the power that parents hold over their child can sometimes complicate their ability to effectively help out in a teenager’s life. Someone like you might step in at just the right moment, allowing a young person the space to open up, talk, connect, and learn things about each other that neither of you imagined.

Most kids are intimidated to talk to their parents about some things, because no matter what you say, they’re authority. They can get you in trouble.

With an outside parent most kids feel more open, because they don’t have the authority. – Sylas

If you can go to someone who isn’t required to talk about stuff with you, but who just likes you and your company, then you’re going to feel better about yourself. – Dan

Tabitha’s story >>